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24 May 2010 @ 02:45 am
 It's so sad to realize those who want to hurt you the most, those who hate you the most are those who u call "family"
Was i wrong? maybe it's time to re-fix everything, re invent myself too weak to do so tho ... 
Current Mood: exhaustedexhausted
22 May 2010 @ 01:27 am
Someone prays for me every night ... i feel thankful yet it hurts me to see someone loves me why can't i love myself?
Current Mood: moodymoody
20 May 2010 @ 12:04 am
 Everything was ok, i ate once during the whole day and i just ate my failed attempt of yakimeshi which is good i made loads of it so i can stick with it the whooooole week.
Panic attacks as usual ... feeling dispair.
My bf suspects im back into old habits since he forced me to eat BUT IM PROUD OF MYSELF!!! he was hungry he ordered a large sandwich and i just drank diet coke go me!!! i didn't thought i'd be able to say no and not to eat hurrah!
still a fat failed attempt of human.
Current Mood: satisfiedsatisfied
16 May 2010 @ 04:42 pm
I'am back! yay? Almost a year later but i did came back, i guess this journal will haunt me forever since it's a way of scaping my life outside, i dont know if someone reads this or not i really don't care the thing is im back and i things can't be better/more f*cked up.
I accomplished a year and 2 weeks with the bf i adore him to death he's been everything for me, my support, my little sparkle ... yet this shit ed keeps messing with my head like ... for erm .. maybe 8 or 9 months i felt precious i felt sexy i felt curvy and i liked it but again it's back here to chase me and make me feel damn miserable no matter what, i've been having this phase where im all sad and tears, i hate my body so so so much and the more i hate it the more i want to choke with huge chunks of food i CAN'T STOP i can't i really fucking can't!!!! wanted to save some money for a gym well my economic situtation is in the hole right now since i can't find a job (hurrah for non confidence).
What i hate the most is sometimes what the bf says i know he has no intentions to hurt me whatsoever still he does, like for example we were "wrestling" the other day (since it's out thing) i tried to kick him and i hurt my knee bone immediatly he says "darling be careful ... don't u see im boney and u aren't?" i was like :| uh? I FELT LIKE SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT of course he saw my face and said "u know what i meant right? u have more muscles, im skinny!" i just tried so hard not to cry, not to let him know he just stabbed me i said "yeah it's cool i get what u say :D" of course on the inside i was like "YEAH LARDASS GO GET A LARGER PIECE OF PIZZA"
Another example that drives me insane and kills me it's when he mentions which parts of my body he loves ... he only focuses on the face and legs ...
"Oh Kat your legs are amazing so so strong and ur face is beautiful ..."
me: *thinks* u could lie u know? ¬¬
It's horrible to be with someone that u know he adores you yet he still thinks (like the rest of the world) that you're just a fat fool with a pretty face. I tried to restrict but i can't !! i fucking can't so i've been binging it's amazing how it's still so damn easy for even when i had close to 2 yrs without doing it

Here we go again.
Current Mood: pessimisticpessimistic
Current Music: Sanctus by Libera
15 April 2009 @ 02:41 am
Why can't i look like her?
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Image and video hosting by TinyPic
Image and video hosting by TinyPic
Image and video hosting by TinyPic
Stop eating and move your floppy butt
Current Location: 4th circle of hell
Current Mood: angryangry
Current Music: The Hardest Part By Coldplay
08 April 2009 @ 03:57 pm
Im not what my mom says im not stupid, nor worthless ...
I wish she could give me a fucking break.

Current Mood: infuriatedinfuriated
Current Music: While the earth sleeps by Deep Forest